I’ve been putting off writing this blog for two reasons. One, my mental health has been so low it’s been hard to focus enough to write and two the content of this blog is going to be heavy. I usually don’t have an issue with full transparency. It’s what I advocate so strongly for but it still doesn’t make it easy to share my own mental regression over the past couple months.
For those of you that don’t know. I am diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) & Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Having one of these disorders can drastically impact your entire life in many ways. Having all three has been a challenge to say the very least. There are moments I feel I’ve got a grip on them all and moments where I honestly do not know what the fuck I’m doing. Mental illness is a trip. There are days you feel on cloud 9 and days you don’t want to live. Not necessarily because you don’t like life but because the pain we feel is more often than not unbearable.
The past couple months have been extremely hard for me to navigate. I feel somewhere in the move from Canada to Texas I lost a piece of myself. I changed my scenery completely, switched up cultures, currency, living situation, inherited a puppy, adjusted to new foods, new climate and had to build a completely new routine. A routine where I was now self employed and learning to navigate all the challenges that come with that. While all of this on one hand is very exciting, changes like these are extreme and can be hard to adapt to. ESPECIALLY if you suffer from mental illness. When mental illness is in the mix of change it can sometimes be catastrophic. We strive on routine and comfort. We like what we like because we trust it can’t hurt or trigger us. That goes for me at least. With that being said, I am one of the most adventurous mf’s out there. I live life like I don’t have a fuck ton of chemicals missing and I can’t just spiral at any given moment. I think there are pro’s & con’s for both. I gain a lot of experience both good and bad but sometimes my seemingly happy moments are much more difficult for me to achieve.
The last couple months I have been the lowest I have been in years. There were so many moments I broke down that I lost count. So many moments I didn’t want to push through because it hurt too much to. I endured a lot of intrusive suicidal thoughts & idealizations. That is hard for me to admit. Because when you work so hard at healing only to regress in some moments it’s extremely disheartening. Not only that, I feel that so many of you look to me as this strong person who screams therapy and advocates for transparency relating to mental health. I was fearful if you knew just how much I was struggling that it would maybe discourage you.
Regardless, I know these are fears that more than likely aren’t accurate. I am hoping that by me openly admitting that I’m still not okay in some moments it will help alleviate the pressures that society and you put on yourselves to have it all together. Because I may own my own business, have a wonderful bf and live where it’s hot but damn mental health cannot be fixed by any of those things. It needs to come from within. The willingness to admit to ourselves that we want to be better. We want a positive change and we are willing to do what it takes to get that. And the truth is, it’s fucking hard, it’s brutal in moments, it’s painful as shit, it will not seem worth it sometimes. But there is always a more healed version of you ready to be awakened every single day you choose to keep fighting. And I think that is really fucking beautiful.
I’m going to leave you with a few things I have done and actively do when my mental health gets this low. 1. Go completely sober. I have no end date to my sobriety I just know I want to get better and I refuse to let anything hinder my progress or bring me anything shy of clarity. 2. I reach out to my people. Believe it or not it’s actually hard for me to say i’m struggling to my close friends. I think it’s because I truly don’t like people worrying about me. This time I had no choice, it was really bad and I needed my people. Who I am so so so fucking grateful for. 3. Take alone time. This one is especially hard because sometimes when you’re low taking alone time can seem daunting. For me, it’s helpful because I am very strong and when I’m alone, I’m reminded of just how strong really I am. 4. Therapy, therapy, therapy. I increase my therapy like crazy even when I don’t feel like it. My therapist knows my lows better than anyone so having her help guide me through it is a huge help. 5. Comfy clothes, Disney movies, soft music, hugs, hot baths, yoga, drinking water. Anything that helps calm my 5 senses.
My goal going forward is to take it one day at a time. Preserve my energy. Soak up lots of time alone to help recenter myself. Enjoy the small moments I derive joy from and keep pushing. I truly hope this helps bring some of you comfort if you are struggling that you certainly are not alone. Your struggles and pain are valid despite how they appear to others. Mental illness is hard, so is life in general! This pandemic has been tragic and heavy for so many. Please never let social media fool you into thinking people have it all together. My DM’s are always open for those struggling.
Thank you for reading,
Xx