Updated: Nov 1, 2022
Let’s talk healthy relationships being hard.
Society idealizes perfection. The perfect image, the perfect body, the perfect status, the perfect relationship. The list goes on. Despite each and every one of us being no where close to perfect, society continues to tell us that’s what we need in order to be successful. That’s the ideal life. Perfection. Not showing our mental illness’s. Not having public break downs, not fighting with the ones we love. Not setting boundaries with family & friends when it’s needed. Not getting a divorce even though your marriage is slowly killing you. Well I think that’s bullshit which I why I continue to be transparent about my disorders, my struggles & my relationship.
Today I’m tapping into why healthy relationships can be hard and despite them not being perfect it’s still 100% normal. Relationships in general with anyone else are hard, especially romantic relationships. You’re merging two separate lifestyles, two different perspectives and experiences. As much as you may share in common, you’re still different human beings who are going to want separate things at different times in life. Now when you bring trauma and mental illness into the mix it gets even more difficult. Most people who have suffered through trauma or have mental illness’s you know that your version of love is sometimes subconsciously skewed. We as humans attract the love we are used to receiving. In some cases that is a toxic love.
I’m here to remind you that healthy relationships especially after the toxic ones sometimes feel harder. Think about it, you are trying to retrain your brain to crave a safe love, a healthy, open and honest one. After having a toxic or traumatizing one. That shit is not for the weak. The ability to re learn trust in itself is difficult but to constantly check yourself and your toxic behaviours, to hold yourself accountable and to a higher standard is very difficult. So that part of it all set aside. Now you have healing. Which is why self healing is sooo very important before jumping into a new relationship because often times we just carry & unpack the same hurt on different people. Learning to heal ourselves is one of the most painful things, I know this from experience but the reward is unmatched. It is the most fulfilling feeling, it’s what taught me self love to be honest.
Healing as I mentioned isn’t easy and a portion of healing is always done once you enter a new relationship. There are wounds you sometimes don’t recognize you have until you date again. Healing is messy. Triggers from past pain are difficult. Especially when you have two people healing together and both trying to outgrow past versions of themselves. Nothing easy is worth it, remember that. The important things to recognize and look for in a healthy relationships are that you both share the same values. You both are able to communicate your feelings and be vulnerable without judgement. When things get difficult you look for ways to help or improve the relationship vs run the other way.
It’s very important that your partner values your boundaries. It’s normal in the beginning stages of a relationship to kinda fumble through this. It’s new and you’re figuring out what you & your partners boundaries are. You’re still learning them and yourself in a new and healthy relationship. It’s also very normal for your relationship to go through ups and downs. Periods where things seem perfect and other times it seems more difficult. It is normal to have fights and disagreements. However, the fights are usually a sign that something needs to be resolved. So if you find you and your partner continually fight about the same things you may need to consider therapy and get a professional & healthy outlook.
ALSO couples therapy is hella normal. I would encourage it in any relationship. It’s just so refreshing to receive an unbiased opinion on your relationship. On what you could do better, on how you could learn more, grow more. All of that. I think it’s important people understand that no relationship is perfect and as adorable as my relationship content is, it’s not perfect. We fight, we disagree. I can be a lot, he can be a lot. We have both been in relationships that hurt us deeply. We have to learn to manoeuvre and heal through that hurt together. We both get triggered. The difference in this relationship compared to my last is he is really in it. I trust he’s not going anywhere. We both value each other’s opinions and respect when the other needs alone time. We discuss every disagreement and how we can learn / grow from it.
We have just recently started couples therapy. As you all already know I am a HUGE therapy advocate but it was precious to watch him open up and really tap into learning more about why he is the way he is. We will continue, anytime there is an issue that arises that we can’t seem to communicate well enough or solve, that’s when that unbiased third party is a huge benefit. I share this with you all because it’s important to me that you don’t feel alone. Because you’re not. Life is hard, relationships are difficult especially after toxic ones. Mental illness or trauma makes it all more complicated. But it’s oh fucking kay. Healing is messy, life is confusing. Trauma is awful. Mental illness is painful as fuck. BUT don’t give up & it always gets better. I’m a much healthier version of me now than I was 6 months ago, 1 year ago & 5 years ago. Don’t be hard on yourselves, life is a lot more complicated than social media & society would have you believe.
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Thank you for reading,