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Alcohol / Drug Addiction

Updated: Nov 1, 2022

Let’s talk addiction / alcohol abuse. I’ve had a lot of you inquire about my struggle with drinking and drugs so here is the story. For many years I used alcohol and drugs to cope with my traumatic childhood and honestly every other aspect of life, good or bad. It was what I knew. If I was happy I drank to celebrate. Sad, I drank to cope. Hurting, I drank to be numb. I knew it felt good to blur my life, it hurt less than being sober. I was aimlessly wandering through life, putting temporary bandaids on giant wounds. I relied on people and substances to try and make me feel better instead of healing inwards. I suppressed the pain I felt with these substances and in turn only added to the hurt. I had the worst mental break down of my life on January 1, 2020 which led me to do a sober year. I finallyBut something incredible happened about 4 months in. I started to feel myself becoming healed. I started to view this version of myself that I had drank away for years. I started to feel worthy. I started to feel stable. I started to realize I was enough, even without the booze. There were still difficult days but let me tell you, the strength you gain from disciplining yourself for the greater good is unmatched. It’s incredible to see what you’re capable of when you say enough is enough. I wanted better for myself and I refused to settle any longer. Today I am 25 months clean of all drugs and proud as fuck. After my sober year was up I made the decision to reintroduce liquor into my life but in a very monitored form. I’ll be honest, I was nervous I would have one sip, spiral and crave it like I used to. Instead, something incredible happened. I got buzzed and for the first time in my life I missed being sober. I missed the control I had over my emotions. I missed the clarity and rawness I was able to feel life in. It was in that moment I knew I would never let the drinking consume me again. I monitor it very strictly and I usually allow myself a night or two a month to have some drinks. Sometimes I do a full month without having a drop. It always depends how I’m doing emotionally. Because of my mental illness’s drinking heightens the intensity of the emotions I am able to feel and as you all know by now my mental health is the priority in every aspect of my life. When I made the decision to reintroduce liquor into my life, I had friends excited for me, I had friends believe I would be able to do it and some concerned I would let it consume me again. I knew I wanted to try. I knew I had gained a great amount of discipline from doing the sober year alone and I wanted to see if I could allow myself drinks in moderation. I was and am very proud of myself. Of the self control and strength I’ve gained over the sober year and the decision to monitor it closely. After being almost 10 months into a year where I drink only on occasion, I can honestly say alcohol may be something I give up completely in the near future. It doesn’t benefit me as much as clarity does. It doesn’t make me more fun. It doesn’t add any value to my life or my relationships. Always listen to your body, your mind & your spirit. Do what is best for you despite what that looks like to anyone else. Some people will never understand why I did a sober year and now I allow myself to drink sometimes. Some will never understand sobriety or discipline, but they aren’t you. Always do what’s best for you! If anyone you know could benefit from reading this, I encourage you to share it. Thank you for reading, Xx

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